the silver lining

and banana bread

hi lovely readers,

I’m starting to feel awake again; as if the whole month of October was a deep hole that has now disappeared into even ground. Maybe its because I have the fuel from an unrequited romantic prospect (a writers wet dream), or because I’m now able to move around my saddened thoughts like furniture in my brain, creating a space more safe, more habitable. Either way, I feel this weird contradictory feeling of hope.

It’s almost like an accomplished feeling of knowing that life did things to me, but I didn’t do them back. I took the rotting bananas and made bread with them, letting the victory smell through my days like a tasty reminder of surrender.

In this, I realize, my ability to be empathetically combative with myself, might be the thing that saves me time and time again.

This uncategorical feeling makes me think, has anyone ever felt happy in November? Or am I the first one? This is usually my month to slide slowly into a loneliness that prospers until April when the sun can awaken the dormant pink hues that were covered by winter’s grey. But instead, I feel almost alive in my loneliness. Like it’s making me feel more human, which unequivocally makes me feel more connected to the world.

A loneliness with a silver lining, I suppose.

xx